Thank you, Pearly, for this beautiful reflection on traditions in your family…
Family traditions were an easy thing for me growing up. We celebrated Chinese New Years with a reunion dinner with grandparents, we cleaned the tombstones of our ancestors on Qingming festival (also known as tomb sweeping festival), we ate cute little glutinous rice balls filled with red bean and peanuts when Winter Solstice came.
Then I came to America, met my husband, and started our family. Suddenly, traditions aren’t so simple anymore. My husband is African-American. While I can trace my family history back to exact village my ancestors came from, find the scholars in writings, the businesspeople in businesses that our extended family still owns today, things aren’t so clear cut for my husband. They don’t even know which part of Africa they originated from.
Hence began our journey in deciding what family traditions our family would have.
Chinese New Year
(1st in lunar calendar, changes in the Gregorian calendar)
Chinese New Year, also known as Lunar New Year, is celebrated for 15 days in China. In Singapore, where I am from, the international tourist and business hub cannot tolerate such a long break. On the eve of Chinese New Year, most employees are allowed to leave work earlier than usual to prepare for the family reunion dinner. It’s like Thanksgiving, except we don’t have turkey. But in America, there’s no celebration outside of Chinatowns, and usually not on the exact day of.
To maintain this tradition, I make sure to buy a roast duck, roast chicken, and that we have a full rice container on the eve of Chinese New Year that we have for dinner. We also add smaller dishes like mushrooms and seaweed that the children love and signify prosperity.
On the day of the Chinese New Year, I make sure both children wear new clothes that are red. Just like I did as a child, they receive red packets the night before that they keep in their pillowcases for good luck. And in the morning, they greet us receive another red packet to signify our blessings for them.
Kwanzaa
(Dec 26 - Jan 1)
Last year, we decided to prepare our home for Kwanzaa. We set up a small shrine in our bookshelf with traditional Kwanzaa symbols:
Mazao - fruit or crops in a bowl representing community productivity (this was easy)
Kinara - a seven-pronged candle holder (we just used individual candle holders)
Mishumaa Saba - seven candles, three red on the right signifying struggle, three green on the left signifying hope, and one black in the middle signifying the people who have heritage in Africa.
Muhindi - ears of corn, one for each child, or two for children of the community
Zawadi - gifts for children
Kikombe cha Umoja - a cup to represent family and community unity.
Getting the things weren’t difficult, but dedicating time each day to discuss the Kwanzaa greetings each day was a challenge.
December 26: "Umoja" — Unity
December 27: "Kujichagulia" — Self-determination
December 28: "Ujima" — Collective work and responsibility
December 29: "Ujamaa" — Cooperative economics
December 30: "Nia" — Purpose
December 31: "Kuumba" — Creativity
January 1: "Imani" — Faith.
The day after Christmas, a day we use to rest as small business owners, we began the day by talking about unity and sharing with our children what it meant and asking them to share memories they had where they witnessed unity (probably at preschool, perhaps helping a friend with a challenging task).
Each day, as we discussed the greetings, my husband lit a candle (and then my child and him blew it out together for fire safety sake)
The first candle to be lit is the black candle, then the far red candle, far green candle, and back and forth till all candles are lit by January 1.
As we welcomed the New Year as a family, in the meantime also celebrating our daughter’s birthday on Dec 27, we moved our family from discussing about unity in the past year, into talking about faith in the year ahead, in our family, our community, and ourselves.
Family traditions don’t have to be major.
The two above are our largest traditions. In addition to them, our family offers joss sticks to ancestors on their birthdays or death anniversaries, and still eat those delicious glutinous rice balls to welcome winter solstice.
But when it comes to traditions, the little things we are consistent about are as valuable as the big things.
We share food -
Eat well, eat together, and always eat in harmony. We do not consume food while angry or distracted (I actively get indigestion and feel ill if I eat when I am angry or upset)
We share space -
Bedtime means we all go to our respective beds. Please, mama needs her space, and mama needs time with dada. But in the morning, it’s fair game as long as the owner of the bed is awake. This means I can climb into bed with a toddler who’s awake, and a toddler can pounce on me if I’m awake. If my eyes are closed, leave me to rest. Toddlers can also learn to be considerate.
We share journeys -
We travel to visit family when we can. One of the things about having family far away is that getting to them is a major experience. Packing together as a family could be a tradition, ordering a drink or snack on board could a tradition of treats. It can also be a tradition to take a bus ride to visit a close family friend every month, or talk about the things that happened that day and how it made us feel on our way home.
We share music -
We hope impromptu dance parties. Sometimes, just connect to that speaker and play that music. We like Bob Marley so our daughter is always asking for that song with “three little birds”. But make it a tradition to let loose, to be silly, to not take everyday so seriously that you forget to laugh. The Chinese believe that laughter is a great medicine and lack of laughter can harm the body, so laugh away. Play.
We share time -
We live near the campus of UC Berkeley, and one of our favorite things to do as a family is to watch the sunset on the grassy field facing Oxford Street. We play with the kids, eat some fruits, then bike home together. Routines can be tradition.
Don’t take time for granted, be deliberate about the traditions you want your family to share. They’ll be what the children remember and bring into their own families.